I woke up about an hour ago and when to the bathroom to pee, whereupon I saw a military-grade cockroach crawling around in the tub. Two inches long, two inches more of antennae, fluttering (not flying, thank god) such that it would occasionally blast across the tub at high speeds.
I considered just throwing it outside, which is what I usually do. But then it’d just crawl into someone else’s apartment, right? Unacceptable. So I considered finding away to get it into the dumpster. Nope, all its hottie buddies are probably in there and they’d have a nasty little orgy.
So I grabbed a paper shopping bag, ripped off one of the handles and laid it down in the tub. When the beast crawled in, I grabbed it and dumped it in the toilet. It thrashed for its life, uselessly beating its wings, waving around its antennae as if it could do even a bit of good. But I flushed it, and it’s gone.
And now I am the monster.